was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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