I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
