I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
