your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
it's great music for shaving your balls
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
