I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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