All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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