i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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