I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
