i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
