Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
