why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
