You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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