I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
