I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You can't motorboat a personality
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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