well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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