I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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