she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
