Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
