...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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