I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
