You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
