I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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