3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
