I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
