I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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