I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
