I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
