It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
