I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
