38 yer olds are good kisserssss
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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