Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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