Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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