she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
