The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The Olympian is in my bed
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
