I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
