fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
