I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
