Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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