Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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