Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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