Please don't use social media to get back at me.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
