There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
