I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
