Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
