What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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