cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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