Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
