cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
