i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
