Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
