'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
