My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
