I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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